deicide
by januarylightsphere
Summary: darling, i lost the moment you fell - n/touko, ferriswheelshipping, fall with each other.


**Deicide - the destruction or killing of a god.**

 **disclaimer:** At this point, I think everyone has general idea.

 **characters and pairings:** N and Touko, Ferriswheelshipping.

 **note:** I JUST WANT TO WRITE FERRISWHEELSHIPPING. BRING THE FANDOM BACK TO LIFE. VENT OUT MY FEELING AND MY OBSESSION OVER NATURAL HARMONIA GROPIUS AND POKEMON BW. I love Touko to death, don't get me wrong, but I'm always into the self-destructive girl. BUT - I really don't understand my portrayal of N anymore. /cry a river/

 **reassurance needed:** smoking trigger warnings, and i still feel somehow i shouldn't have posted this.

* * *

You have always been a girl with a taste for destruction, and he, he has always been a boy with a taste for the impossibility, and both of you have always been the kind of heroes that wants to turn gods into monsters.

He will always be the villain you shouldn't love and you want to despise. Yet, there is something about the way he leaves destruction (and dream and sadness and hope) wherever he steps that you cannot tear your eyes away from and it will always be him that sets you aflame and blazes with you.

Together, you are fire, twisting and screaming as if there is nothing to fear at all. There is nothing to fear when you've got two dragons and the world in your hands, right? Because the world is the product of truth and ideals and you symbolise nothing but that two factors.

But you are, you are.

You're fucking scared.

x

His lips feels like cigarette burns up your cheekbones and your core, and your entire being aches with him and a longing that you can't bear to feel. The ghost of his fingers linger on your skin, like demons stealing away your dreams and replacing them with fragmented nightmares that leaves you screaming to the darkness.

You're not scared.

You're not scared.

You can't be scared.

His breathes are numbered, stained with invisible venom and bitterness and defiance and secrets he wants to shout when he's alone. His eyes scream those secrets that he tries and tries and tries to cover with what he keeps saying to people and himself : "I'm N, King of Plasma'' and 'I will crush your will''.

The truth is, N is afraid and you know it.

x

Nicotine bleaches your brain so much that you forgets who you are some nights - and to be honest, you don't mind those some nights.

For a few hours, you're not Touko who followed the steps of many trainers before you and saved the world, you are not the girl who tries and tries to cover the spiral of self-destruction you've made, you're not the hero who bears any burden, not a mad girl that chases a boy with green hair and equally green eyes and runaway smile and lets him run again.

It's relieving not to be yourself.

x

When N smiles with pain that is unable to recover, you know you're not the only crazy one in this world.

x

"I'm not scared." You tell him one night, when you're huddled on one side of the best and he's lying on his stomach on the other. You refuse to sleep alone whenever you two encounter, because it's when the monsters arrive. "I'm not scared. Really."

You hear N laugh, a laugh that should have frightened you, but it doesn't. His eyes do though. Their green has always seem mysterious, but now they're impenetrable, with unfathomable depths.

"Whatever you say, Touko." He replies, and you close your eyes. "Whatever you say."

You shiver.

He hugs you.

x

His kisses are like knives into your heart and blurred images of your mother and Cheren and Bianca when you think of them and their adoration to you. But they, for all their love and kindness, will never be N who understands you and makes you dance like you're a puppet.

\- and more importantly, you've left them behind, to chase after this boy.

x

There's a million and one ways to die. Explore them. Investigate them. Enjoy them. Cherish every of them.

Especially nicotine, since it's your favorite way of dying. It's what you're thinking on finding out that N's left again the following morning, when you slowly take a drag on your cigarette.

You're Touko and N, just barely.

x

It may not be a wise choice to come back to Nuvema Town, you think when you sit in the corner of your room, legs pulled to your chest and eyes impossibly wide. If you shut them, they will get you. Don't you dare blink, Touko. Don't you fucking dare.

But it's impossible not to. Your eyes flicker shut and black open in less than a millisecond and here they are. Their faces are more terrible than you could ever imagine. Claws and sharp teeth and fangs and glinting yellow eyes, fearsome grins and twisted tongues, and they lung for you, and you scream and scream and scream when your skin is ripped open and there is blood everywhere but it's not red, you scream and scream and -

 _I'm not scared._

You might be crying.

 _I'm not scared._

Isn't it laughable, how the hero has fallen.

 _I'm not -_

But you have forgotten what the next word is.

x

Your skin is still intact the next morning.

And when you cut your finger to see the deep red flowing down, you can't help but feel relieved because it means you're still human.

x

"You look like deaths, Touko." Your mom says in concern when she makes you breakfast. "Are you sleeping well?"

She sets the bowl of rice in front of you, frowning.

You just stare at the rice and force your lips to arrange into a big, bright grin.

"Yes, mom. Don't worry."

Your mom's eyes tell you that she doesn't believe in you.

x

"I love you, Touko." N says, but he doesn't mean it, not really.

"I love you too." You reply, but you don't mean it, not really.

You wish you could.

x

N's eyes are like everything on this world, greener than the Earth, fresher than the springtime, brighter than emeralds - and filled with secrets and monsters and sorrow. Some days, you can't even look at him without the feeling of losing your self-control and the want to ask what he sees in your eyes.

"You're terrified, too." You tell him in a matter of fact tone. His mouth open in a weak denial, but your hands come up and shove him backwards, before you realize that you're not using any force at all. "Don't deny it, N. Just don't."

"But I'm not." He says, resolute.

"Yes. Yes you are." You say again, push him again to reinforce your message. "Stop pretending that you're alright!"

"Forget it, Touko." He says carelessly, takes your hands off as if they were nothing. "Forget it, Touko. It doesn't matter."

x

They crawls over the window in their thousands, stained blood red eyes like devil. They have cloven feet and long black tongues that cannot speak and your heart is beating too fast again. Thumpthumpthump and they're getting closer, and you reach to a pokeball to summon Zekrom, before your eyes widen in recognization at the black shadow that looming over your head - and you just can't move, can't even stumble backwards, can't even shut your eyes, can't even yell -

Something grabs you by the shoulder and you scream, half-sobbing and flinching away from it. "Get away, get away, get away!"

"Touko, are you alright?"

It's N. You force yourself to inhale like the world isn't coming to an end. His hands are still gripping on your shoulder tightly. Slowly, you open your eyes, and there are no monster, just N's face -

\- and his green eyes.

"Let me go." You try to say, suddenly aware of how dangerous those eyes are like you haven't been for a long time, and your breaths are coming in huge gasps like you've run a long mile. "Let me go, N."

"Okay." He says, but his hands don't leave. "What was that?"

"I don't know." You whisper. "I don't know."

x

You tatoo _I'm not scared_ in red color on your left forearm one day.

Your mom takes that as your sign of rebellion.

But you don't want to see doctor now, you tell your mom, you're totally in control.

You're probably half insane, though. Why stops nature running its course?

x

"You're mine." You whisper in his ear when he stares at your arm in disbelief, sealing your fate with an angry kiss and digging your nails into the back of his shoulder.

It will certainly leave bruise tomorrow, and the thoughts sound satisfying in your head.

x

"How long," He whispers, but there's no one here but the two of you. "How long before we destroy each other?" His legs are entwined with yours beneath the sheets and yours are pressing down a little too hard on his to remind him and yourself that you're still alive, still breathing.

You almost laugh at that.

"We have already destroyed each other, N." You say. "Now I'm destroying everything else."

"You are not. It's not the kind of person you are."

"People change." You wonder if your voice sounds defeated. "People change, N."

Better you than him.

x

"I love you." You tell him with sweating palms and short breaths, and maybe this time you sort of mean it.

"I love you two." He replies, there is sorrow in his voice but still, you hope hope and hope he means it too.

x

Monsters still glimmer in the shadows of his eyes.

You try not to look.

x

"Just you and me." He says. "Just Touko and N all alone for good now. No one else. Just Touko and N. The way it's always going to be."

"Are you sure you're ready?" You ask, and don't say _Do you think it's the way to save me?_

x

And in the end, you are Touko and N, just that, and that's the way it's always going to be. He's still, still the boy with runaway smile and burns a little too much and you're still the girl that are half insane with a taste for destruction and monsters inside her head. And both of you - both of you are still the heroes of truth and ideal, but this time you will set on a course of destruction and devastion and the world is going to blaze with you. You will stand, in the middle of flames, and just clap your hands.

Because, because he's N, with green hair and runaway smile and green eyes that hide monsters and he's trying to save you and he's terrified and you're terrified of everything but still you tell yourself -

You're not scared.

But you are, yes, you are.

* * *

 **notes:** so, as the review whore that I am, I will be very happy if you drop a review.

If not, I can always set team Plasma on you.


End file.
